I still don’t know how I came down with spiders. Maybe it’s the seasonal infestation as the weather changes. They come in to get warm when austice comes. The perfect ailment for autumn and the spooky season. I’m not contagious, my husband insists I have pneumonia, not an upper respiratory arachnid infestation. Occasionally, there are specks of blood in the webbing, so I know the little bastards are feeding on me.
I clear the webs and blow them out. They immediately weave more trying to suffocate me. They’re obviously an invasive or exotic species as they have hacked my body for an ideal habitat. 101-102.5 degrees is their ideal temperature but it’s definitely no fun for me. I normally run subnormal. I’m unaccustomed and uncomfortable being warm-blooded, especially for other ectotherms.
The first day of infestation was the worst, everything tickled from my face to my lungs as the webs began. They grew quickly. Their molted exuvia took up valuable real estate. They filled the alveoli but I can clear solids with an albuterol inhaler. Two precious puffs, every six hours. I think I’m used to them already. I’m a writer. I’ve books on the brain, and now, I share my body with a species with book lungs. The irony is delicious. If I could find anything delicious. I have lost my appetite but am bloated and feel pregnant. I sort of am pregnant, aren’t I? I have life within me. I am the spider Ritz-Carlton or a spider school bus carrying an entire class on a trip? All the students have eight legs and as a school bus, I’ve only two good tires, and not up to the health and safety code, as I am.
They’ve apparently an immense oxygen requirement for their growth and refuse to let me have enough to breathe deeply often. My doctor started me on antibiotics, but I wish she would have started me directly on pesticides instead.
It's been a solid ten days and I don’t feel like myself anymore. The urticating hairs annoy my throat constantly and I’m losing my voice between blow-outs. I hear them shuffling around, crinkling, cat toy-like inside, especially at night. My main concern is I’m starting to expectorate egg sacs.