Parents are fighting?
Sneak off to the basement with one of Mom’s catalogs.
Getting teased during gym?
Go to the nurse’s office and pull the covers up over my head.
It still works today, feeling sad and lonely eating lunch in my car?
The windows are tinted for a reason.
Girlfriend leaves you because you can only get it up long enough to get it off?
That problem feeds off of itself. Some problems solve themselves.
Like that ever-growing pile of Kleenex by my bed. It used to be a lot bigger.
Before the roaches.
I didn’t know they ate that stuff. I mean, it makes sense. It’s protein.
It wasn’t like I was saving the tissues for the roaches, it just worked out that way. At first, I noticed one or two in the room after I jerked off, or I could hear them clicking around on the floor under the bed. I don’t think I noticed they were around the Kleenex until my girlfriend Brianna came by the apartment to get the rest of her stuff. She freaked out when she saw the pile moving on its own. Or maybe she saw one or two roaches shoot across the floor. She didn’t talk to me much after that.
I got used to having them there. They never get into my shit in the kitchen either. I never saw one in my cornflakes or on my dishes. No, they just hung out under my bed and waited for me to finish.
One thing I remember Brianna saying is if you see two, there’s two hundred. Or something like that. Which means that night I didn’t clean up fast enough and had seven crawling over my chest, there were probably seven hundred waiting down below for me to feed them. I didn’t know roaches bit people, but the ones on my chest were insistent on getting their bellies full.
After that, I made sure to wipe off right afterward. I think I spoiled them because more and more they’d come out of hiding as I was about to cum. I wonder if they knew when I was getting close. Do roaches have noses?
There were times I fed them when I wasn’t in the mood. Like, I didn’t have anything in the gas tank, but I knew the little guys would be up all night clicking away if I didn’t deliver. Or worse, maybe they’d go hunting for it under my blankets.

It wasn’t all one-sided. On those rare nights when I wasn’t in the mood, I knew it would still feel good.
We all know that part would feel good, but I’m talking about feeling good by helping them out. Like when I tip more than 10% when I get coffee or honk to let a girl know she’s hot when I drive by.
I admit, that good feeling probably helped. Knowing they were there watching, waiting for dinner, made it easier to finish.
I’m not sure why Brianna came back. It’s not like we ended on bad terms. Maybe she missed me. I’m a decent guy.
She returned to the apartment with an excuse that she wanted me to pay her back for her half of our security deposit because she was being nice enough to let me keep the apartment. I guess she appreciated how understanding I was, or maybe the sight of me hit her the right way, but we sort of fell into each other.
Everything was right this time. Brianna was different. She appreciated me. She didn’t mind the mess, or that I hadn’t showered, or that I wanted to get to it. Usually, she wanted to be on top, but this time she liked being underneath me, even letting me get a little rough, a little kinky.
With all my grunting and moaning, she probably couldn’t hear the clicking under the bed. When I put the pillow over her head as I was getting close, she couldn’t see my roommates watching us from the foot of the bed. I had to, I didn’t want to ruin the mood.
With her warm body spasming against my skin and the thousands of tiny feet tickling my buttocks, I came the hardest I ever had. So hard it hurt.
I was out of breath, and I’m sorry, it wasn’t my fault. I’m not trying to blame Brianna, but it wasn’t like I invited her to come over. And when she did, I wasn’t expecting her to fuck me.
After years of yanking myself to sleep, it wasn’t my fault. All that extra thrusting wore me out.
If I’d known this could happen, I swear, I’d have been more careful.
I swear to God, I would’ve never creampied her, I swear to Christ, I never would’ve fallen asleep while she was still soaked and had my jizz leaking out of her. It wasn’t like I trained them to eat it up. It’s not like I knew that my grunting when I came was ringing their dinner bell.
It’s protein. It’s what they do.
Sorry, Brianna, but my roomies were very hungry, and it was kind of your fault for letting me season you so perfectly to their tastes.